I thought I was over this

Oh you’re back! Well I wish you weren’t. I really wish you would just do one and leave me be! I really thought you had gone, but it seems like you just can’t stay away. You aren’t really a feeling I want to feel. You make me feel sick, you make my tummy churn, my heart race, my bones ache! You make me want to scream and cry all at the same time, you make me sad and angry. I am annoyed that I feel like this. You Anxiety, are an absolute tosser! Read my first post about My postnatal Anxiety

It’s 1.40 in the morning and I’ve not been to sleep yet, why? Because my baby has recently gone into her own room, and I can’t handle it. She moved in there a few nights ago as she has outgrown her crib, and I’ve struggled to sleep since.

I am so used to her lying there next to me, I can see her, I can hear her, I can put my hand on her back and feel it move up and down. I know she is only next door, literally just a wall separating us, but it is enough to cause me separation anxiety again! I keep walking into her room to check on her. The baby monitors we got are shit, and only seem to pick up certain sounds. Maybe that’s because she’s is so settled, and barely makes a noise. I was hoping I would be able to hear her snore through them, but no such luck!

Darcie is a great sleeper, and settles well in her cot, and in her own room. I should just be grateful that she does, but the fact that she’s so settled and barely makes a noise makes it worse! Crazy right?! Most Mothers would dream of a baby that sleeps like she does. I am grateful of it, well I was grateful of it when she was lying in her crib next to me. But now, I wish she would just make some noise!!

So what do I do now, go and sleep on her floor, bring her cot into my room, it would be a squeeze but we could manage! But she settles so well, and just because I have an issue with it, doesn’t really mean that I should make it an issue for her. I really need to find ways to cope with these feelings of anxiety. It really is shit, it really isn’t how I want to feel! How am I going to manage going back to work 😔 I thought I was over this, I thought I was fine!

I'd love to hear your thouhghts on this post.