I have Anxiety and You Wouldn’t Really Know – World Mental Health Day
I have anxiety and you wouldn’t really know,
not unless you were really close to me, and even then, I tend to only let it out when I’m at breaking point. Why? Because I can function day to day without it having a great affect on me, well I usually can. Maybe I just keep it bottled up, and just try to not acknowledge it.
See my anxiety can cause me to have really really irrational thoughts, I mean I struggle to say them out loud because I can see just how irrational they are. If one of these thoughts pop into my head, that’s all I can think about, and that’s when it can start to take affect on me.
I think I really noticed it after Darcie was born,
and what prompted me to start blogging. You can read my first post here about my postnatal anxiety. When she would go out with anyone other than me, I’d panic that they’d not drive safely and she’d end up in a crash, I’d panic that they would leave her somewhere and forget about her, I’d panic that someone would just take her away and not bring her back. Maybe these are normal thoughts for new mums, but it would really overwhelm me.
Then it would be when I’d take her out myself, I would have near on panic attack’s because I worried that somehow I’d loose control and push the pram into the canal, or I’d loose control and drop her down the stairs! Do you see how irrational these thoughts are? Because I was completely in control of the pram, there is no way on earth I’d loose control and push her into the canal.
It’s not just surrounding Darcie.
The last time I went to the theatre my anxiety was through the roof. My heart was racing most of the way through, even when I tried to talk myself down because I had in my head that at any minute a terrorist would come through the door, and because of where I was sitting I’d never get out. Again irrational, and of course nothing happened while we were there.
I’d here a noise in my house at night, and instantly I get that stomach churning feeling and my heart races because I think someone is breaking in, when actually it’s just the heating, or the floor boards. I know this, I really do know this, but I just struggle to control that feeling in me.
I have arguments with my other half in the car all the time, because I panic when I’m not in control of the car, I panic that we are going to end up in an accident and die. It’s really consuming, because even though I’ve never been in an accident with my partner driving and I know he’s in control, I still can’t get away from this anxious feeling.
I am going through a really rough co-parenting time with my ex just now,
maybe something I will write about in the future but not yet. He causes my anxiety to hit the roof. I have constant flash backs about the relationships just now that stops me from sleeping properly. It can cause an issues when myself and my other half argues (we all argue) but it triggers a feeling in me and I’m right back to a place that I never want to be in again. That’s nothing that my future husband has done, that’s just issues with me that I have never really dealt with from my relationship with my ex, I’ve clearly just put it to the back of my mind. I think with what’s going on just now, it’s bringing it all back up again.
On world mental health day,
and just over a year since a launched my blog, with my story about postnatal anxiety. I feel like today is the right day for an update! I haven’t had much time to write since I’ve moved back into work. The truth is, I’m exhausted at the end of each night, once the kids are in bed, my brain stops working. I am still trying to find a balance, but I will get there eventually! I actually find writing therapeutic, so maybe with everything that’s going on just now in my head, I should get back to writing more.
I have anxiety, and you wouldn’t know.
Well you do now, because I’ve told you. It’s important to speak up and say it loud. It might help someone else.
I hope my story does! This is something I continue to deal with day to day, but I’m dealing with it.
Anxiety comes in all shapes and forms, and everyone is different. Have a look on
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk for some more information of different types of anxiety.
“Don’t be ashamed of your story! It will inspire others”